I have known about buddha, but i never actually "knew" about him until recently (about a month ago), and have found parallels between himself and myself. This prompted further research, all of which has been from documentaries and that which i can find on the internet. I don't know any of the words or names for things, and this ignorance has made it difficult to find those who can answer my questions.

I tried meditating on my own many times but last night was the first time I think I could get fleeting feelings of awareness.

I had particular trouble with settling my mind, and found it easier to meditate with my eyes open and focus on something so my mind wouldn't bombard itself with images.

with intense concentration the recognizable features melded into a uniform pattern, knowing my eyes could not be seeing this, i knew it had to be my brain altering my idea of perception from my eyes, as it was obviously not the trees changing.

This led me to realizing that it was being able to focus on an image in my brain, and not what my eyes were seeing. This led me to wonder how i was seeing this image, and what was seeing it. I tried replicating this in my mind, but it was extremely hard. Then i decided it didn't matter what i looked at, any image in my head would work, that the problem was my ability to lock onto this image.

I realized my mind was keeping me from only seeing the image, because i was arguing with myself.

I needed to unify my mind, and that was the first time i felt it.

i realized i could only see the light if i first created the light. and my brain was creating it, and then seeing it, so whatever i want to see i can, i just have to create it.

i was listening to music without words, and i kept getting distracted, until i realized i can use it to focus on. not what the sound is, but where its going.

i tried to leave my body with my mind, and this made me realize i need my body for my mind, and therefore i can't discard my body, but only leave it to return

the only thing i can say to sum up what i experienced, was that first i had to see an image in my mind, and then believe that it existed, and i was truly "seeing" things for the first time. i was only able to "trick" myself into believing that i was actually creating this in a dimension or place that was not of the physical world, but the place where my thoughts exist.

i have never felt such peace when i told myself i believed it, and it was the only time my mind actually stopped thinking entirely.

what do i need to do or what am i doing to become truly aware?